Reading Material for the Bored

What's wrong with me? Something's wrong. I'm not myself. I don't feel happy. At all. I hate admitting that. But the truth is, I'm miserable. I have not seen my friends in months. I fear they either hate me or don't care or don't remember me. When was last time I had a great night out with the girls? Or my friends? Or anybody for that matter? I've gone from a fun-loving, sociable goofball...to a self-concience, mental hermit. I'm tired of being in a relationship. Especially one that requires so much work. I'm tired of being the one to sacrifice. Relationships shouldn't be based on sacrifice...they should work with compromise. And consideration for one another. I honestly believe that sacrifice leads to resentment. Do I resent my boyfriend? At times, hell yes. Over petty things? Probably. My boyfriend and I argue. Quite often, in my opinion. And I understand couples argue. I have no problem with that fact. However, my boyfriend's "style" of arguing is quite different than mine. I appreciate a guy that can communicate his thoughts/feelings. Hah, I've had a few that couldn't. But. Yelling/crying/screaming/cursing/crying/altimatums/slamming doors/crying. It's overwhelming. I get these promises of "I'll work on it" or "It'll never happen again," and I feel obligated to give him another chance. And another. Oh, and the situations or events that cause the argument...now that's a big fucking laugh! Me not answering my phone...bc I left it at my apartment while I went tanning. Apparently that's me ignoring him? Me wanting to spend the evening cleaning my apartment and doing laundry instead of seeing him for the 9th night in a row. Apparently that's a sign our relationship is fading, and I'm getting tired of him? Me wanting to spend the night at my parents' house on the weekend. Apparently that's another sign our relationship is failing? Me planning a night out w/a large group including my single guy friends. Apparently I want one of them? I feel subjected to manipulation and control. I can't even begin to explain the disaster that was my family vacation to Gatlinberg. Let's just say, the entire family (minus Pop) hates my boyfriend. My mom does not want me bringing him to the house anymore. I don't have the heart to tell him. Oh, let's not forget the key issue. I didn't really want to give him a key to my apartment. I didn't feel ready. So occasionally I would hide the key for him outside. If he wanted to grab dinner for us. Or go have him a beer before I get off work. Whatever. Well, one day, I noticed he got into the apt when I forgot to leave the key. I asked him how he got in. He took the liberty of making himself a copy of my key. Oh, folks, it gets better. This really bothered me. I told my mom what happened. Her advice: if it really bothers you, ask for it back. It's you apt, your privacy, your key. So, my anti-confrontational ass asked him for the key back a few nights later. He handed it over willingly and nicely. But. The next night. After a few drinks. He brought up the key situation again. We had a HORRIBLE argument. Ugly. Blah. Well, we worked it out. Apologized. The whole la-di-dah. I still had my key. He didn't. World order restored, right? Wrong. Two days later, I noticed the key copy was not on my desk where I put it. That night, I looked at his key ring. Yep, it was back on there. Long story short, another fight and yelling match later, I have my key back. Why can't I let him go? I don't have some desperate need for a relationship. I actually remember the days of singledom. The days I could do whatever I wanted. I didn't have to worry about doing something spontaneous that might make someone mad. Or having my cell 24/7 for fear of the wrath. Now, he has been doing better now that he's been employed again. I don't get 8 phone calls in a row. He has his own agenda now. But. Even though he's trying to be more laid back. More "cool." More relaxed. I'm still not happy. How can I be happy WITH someone, when I'm not happy WITH myself? I'm sick of worrying about everyone else but me. Worrying about him, my family, my work, my school. I know I probably sound like the most selfish person right now...but damnit, I deserve it! I don't even want singledom for the same reasons most twenty-something year olds do. I just want myself back! I want to do what I want. I don't care if I have a significant other right now. I'm tired of walking on egg shells for someone. Tired of being smothered. But...I dread...breaking up. Is it sad that I know EXACTLY how he will react? There will be tears, sadness, begging, pleading, promises, anger. God...I dread it. I think maybe that could be one reason I have stuck this out for so long. But the stress from ALL these things...running through my head...when I'm alone...when I'm lying in bed...when I'm driving...it's about to drive me crazy. I'm ready for it to end. I know I'm being dramatic, but I have not been able to vent to anybody. At all. So all these bottled up feelings and emotions and thoughts and blah...all go to the blog. I feel some relief getting this out. But...I'm banking...that the relief I would feel from just ending the relationship...would feel so much better. Maybe I could sleep again? LoL.